@robdelaney

can I use a minion as a tampon

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@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@Brampersandon_

DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*

@brunopieroni

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@Rollmaninoz

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@Diversion50

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!