Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
can I use a minion as a tampon
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all