@NikkiGlaser

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

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@a_bi_gal

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

@Dawn_M_

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

@SortaBad

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

@truegritrumble

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.