Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Finally!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.