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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months


How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?


I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”


Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.


PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you


Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.


ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*


Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*


Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.