The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..