@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

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@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@dogfather

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

@EliBraden

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

@sip_at_home_mom

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

@trevso_electric

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@Eden_Eats

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

@patsajak

Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.