@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

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@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@richardosman

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@KenJennings

I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@rachel2manypaws

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..