Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.


My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”


71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.


[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?


Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.


Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.


I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.


Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.


No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.