Who’s ready for Friday?!
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Never forget.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you