Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.