Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“I took care of your clown problem.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
This January has 47 Mondays
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
A short story about romance.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”