@isaidwhat_

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

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@Dishy2101

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

@RodLacroix

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

@TheUnrealMattR

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

@BoomBoomBetty

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@ThaJawn

Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!

Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location

@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.