I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!
Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!
Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.