Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
how to have an accident 101
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.