#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Hello Twits.
Jurassic park gets weird
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If I ignore life will it go away?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid