Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
mentally somewhere in italy
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.