11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
men, we mow at sunrise.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie