Pro tip: don’t write, “I thought I’d be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways” in the card.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
You Might Also Like
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*new password can’t be the same as old password*