can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Covid like
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I hope they boil the right one.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.