@NapVeg

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

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@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@LizHackett

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

@aggierican

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

@heidi420x

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@jazmasta

Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.

@mindintheshadow

My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

@primawesome

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common