What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.
My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common