Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!