Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.