True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
these two trucks have the same bed length
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.