@susie_qsie

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

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@tastefactory

Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.

@ShanaRose21

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

@QwertyJones3

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@SortaBad

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

@Gupton68

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

That awkward when you read that wrong too.

And said ‘moment’ after awkward.

This is awkward.

@SondraDeeMe

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

@TheRolo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all