Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

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Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.


Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.


You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package


[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato


Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape


Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???


I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.


I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

That awkward when you read that wrong too.

And said ‘moment’ after awkward.

This is awkward.


I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.


STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all