Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Twitter fine art
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around