Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes