Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
need him
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.