“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
You Might Also Like
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The Birdles
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened