Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”