“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.