“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.