Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Happy Caturday!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain