@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

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@prufrockluvsong

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

@Defiant_Doll

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*