Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*