Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.