Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I triple waxed for this?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Once again not all heroes wear capes
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?