Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Use the forceps, Luke!” – Obi Gyn Kenobi
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.
My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.
If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.