@jonnysun

“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please”
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read

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@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@itsallbollocks

Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

@Mikecanrant

melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”