Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.