skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
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Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”