@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

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@rockymomax

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

@bourgeoisalien

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

@Drytown1

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

@_NTFG_

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@briancthayer

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish