Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

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ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now


BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.


It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.


Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.


Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!


No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.


I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.


1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze


[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
– Fish