Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

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welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?


*steve leaves*


peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper


HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president



The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.


Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.


The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.


*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”


What’s your WiFi pw?
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?


I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.


I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.