@squirrel74wkgn

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

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@WillSaysStuff

welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?

no

*steve leaves*

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.

@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

@derkanergy

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

@notalogin

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

@geowizzacist

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.