Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
only 11 steps left
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.