Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all