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@TheAlexP

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@texasstalkermom

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@BillMc7

All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

@fuzzlime

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

@Puercotron

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

@mexinonblonde

*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*