I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?
Him-Whatever you want.
Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*