Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Siri: Retweet me.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.