Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
2022 be like
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.