Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.