@xnoahanthonyx

Can you describe the man who did this
*me crying*
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
*clenches fist*
“He had a stupid face”

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@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

@ewfeez

Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

@Megatronic13

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@isabelzawtun

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

@sofarrsogud

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

@UncleDuke1969

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@ThePocketJustin

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.