Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.
Can you describe the man who did this
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
“He had a stupid face”
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Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, “you’re not my real hen!” and run away
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.