So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
the clam before the storm
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv