@xnoahanthonyx

Can you describe the man who did this
*me crying*
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
*clenches fist*
“He had a stupid face”

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@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@TheRolo

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@Playing_Dad

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

@Tharin_P

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

@ArfMeasures

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want