Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Dishonest mechanic?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
#MeanwhileinCanada
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.