“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”