I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
🤣🤣💀
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.