“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Legend 🤣🤣
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit