@jil_slander

“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3

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@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

@MaMikeamo

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

@YINGY_FLEMMMING

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

@JohnLyonTweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@RickAaron

“Puff, puff, pastry. Heh heh heh.”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy getting baked

@RodLacroix

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today