“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3

You Might Also Like


If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.


There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!


When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”



Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*


Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.


*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice


“Puff, puff, pastry. Heh heh heh.”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy getting baked


I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today