If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.
ME: I thought only old people got that
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
“Puff, puff, pastry. Heh heh heh.”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy getting baked
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today