I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.