“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer

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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?


If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either


Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit


Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.



“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?


What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed


Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?


I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank