Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure