I can’t wait!
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A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The Joker was right
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.