@YUCKYBOT

Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.

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@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@SteussieErica

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@ComedicBust

Role playing is fun, but I’m starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@UnFitz

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.