Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If your bio says “Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman” I’m assuming you misspelled “Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds.”