@CAshmanActor
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
@YUCKYBOT
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
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@CAshmanActor
@MoneypennyNaked
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
@Arrogant_Twat
Cell division, explained:
o
0
8
oo
@SteussieErica
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
@MrGeorgeWallace
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
@shannon2703
Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
@smithsara79
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
@ComedicBust
Role playing is fun, but I’m starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.
@ramblinma
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”
Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
@UnFitz
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.