Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.

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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.


Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”


Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.


Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense


Role playing is fun, but I’m starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.


Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”


“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.