Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
no regrets
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
we’re gonna need another temp
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes