@HatesNiceThings
@Reverend_Scott
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
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@Reverend_Scott
@JPHaddadio
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
@thehubrispanda
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
@Sorrowscopes
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
@TheToddWilliams
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
@Tmoney68
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
@bug_deal
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
@jwoodham
Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.
@allthatisbecca
I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”
@TheCatWhisprer
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE