Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*
M: Hm. That checks out.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.
I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE