@HatesNiceThings

Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!

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@Reverend_Scott

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

@JPHaddadio

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

@Tmoney68

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@jwoodham

Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.

@allthatisbecca

I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”

@TheCatWhisprer

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE