Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
black phone good
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).