@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

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@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

@Parkerlawyer

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@EJGomez

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

@wolfpupy

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

@mattZillaaaa

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent