Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You Might Also Like
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.