Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
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96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!