@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

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@TragicAllyHere

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

@DwellerLake

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

@ItsAllCrazyToMe

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.