I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
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My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.
Since when did ‘scrotum brown’ become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.