North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.