“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

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Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble


Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.


I’m gonna start charging my regrets rent since they’re clearly never leaving


Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death


Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting


me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.


The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.


white people lose their wallet and say “if i were a wallet , where would i be?”