“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.


Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No


wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”


Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?


My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now


I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”


We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years


I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…