@michael_raphone

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

You Might Also Like

@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

@DaddyJew

I’m gonna start charging my regrets rent since they’re clearly never leaving

@BrettDruck

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

@gf3

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@Los01001111

The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.

@OprahSide

white people lose their wallet and say “if i were a wallet , where would i be?”